To be wrong with Jesus is the worst. You can’t be in a worse position with God. It matters. You will never be happy in that state. So think about it.
I have stumbled like a drunk
Are you “pursuing spiritual perfection”? Or: Are you deep in the miry clay, still, lost in your sinfulness? Want to get out? Turn. Get yourself to Jesus through sincere and truthful prayer. Christians do not have to sin. You once turned – to it. And so it is a choice also to turn from it, from what has ensnared you – and turn to Jesus in repentance. It’s a choice: be faithful once again, or stumble like a drunk, eat vomit like a dog, wallow like a pig.