Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

A quick overview of the Bible (tongue-in-cheek)

-Author Darrell Creswell – A Study of Christian Grace

darrellcreswell . The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
Too good to miss!

Subject: Judas Asparagus

(also read story here: https://darrellcreswell.wordpress.com)

A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible.

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
– Author Darrell Creswell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,
but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said,
‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,
so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was
Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
His brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for
some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.
These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.
Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.

He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.

My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and
then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets,
but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The
New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been
born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the
door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst
one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached
to Some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.
He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

– Source: The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell; Judas Asparagus | Also read story here: https://darrellcreswell.wordpress.com | – Author Darrell Creswell

FOR MORE:

A quick overview of the Bible (tongue-in-cheek). A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible.
___________

About the Bible

Why the Bible Excerpt: The Bible is like no other book. Have you read it lately? It was put together by God to communicate Himself to us. He did this through prophets separated by hundreds of miles, over the course of hundreds of years. Bible predictions are accurate.

Prophecies in the Bible: A Perfect Track Record

Interpreting Prophecy Correctly

Being Stupid with the Bible Excerpt: When it comes to being stupid, an easy way to being stupid is to misInterpret the Bible to make it support what you want to believe. It is exactly what it says: You miss the interpretation of truth, forming a lie, an unTruth.

Unbelievers do it, apostate “believers” do it… and politicians do it.

What knowing the Bible does for you

What God asks of us in the Bible

The Bible is “able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation”

What happens when you do not know what the Bible says on a matter?

If we do not think like God Almighty thinks

Following “a faith of the same kind as ours” in 2 Peter 1:1

Receive the Kingdom like a child – Matthew 19:14

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