A satire where God says, “Oh, I misspoke, folks.”
“This is God speaking. Hi – all you NAR-type believers out there! I’m speaking to you NAR-types because I just have to say:
I need to correct Myself!
I misspoke, folks. Oops!
Sorry about that. Oh well!
Thanks for correcting my words. I am God, yes, but I was wrong when I spoke this and that here:
* Verse 20 of Deuteronomy 18:15-22… “the prophet who speaks a word presumptuously in My name, a word….”
* Ezekiel 13:8. “I am against you”. I should have never created that Old Testament ban against speaking your own words as My Words. Oh my, all those proscriptions against anyone saying their own thoughts as if they were My thoughts! How preposterous was that! Silly Me, to try to keep things My Way!
* 1 Timothy 6:11-14. “…aim at and pursue righteousness [true goodness, moral conformity to the character of God], godliness [the fear of God]….” “keep all His precepts without stain or reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ….”
* 1 Peter 1:16. “You shall be holy (set apart), for I am holy.”
* KJV “Be ye holy; for I am holy.”
How on earth could I have said all that. Certainly does not apply to modern days. Never saw them coming.
“I’ve had a Dickens of a time Merr-Webster keeping my Plan of the Ages straight (See: God of the Ages), you know… what with so much stuff going on within the eons of time! Guess I didn’t plan ahead all that well after all. I simply must change some of that Old Testament.
Don’t blame me! It’s rough being Almighty! I slipped-up. Damn my omniscient self! Again! (I’m God Omnipotent, you know? So I can “damn” whatever I well please!) Being “all-knowing” failed me again. Bummer. Not as sharp as I used to be.
It never occurred to me while creating you — that you modern prophets would come-up with so many zingers — new, exciting theologies! My God! Oops. Sorry …My goodness! How you have enlightened Me.
Your idea of elevating experience over Bible teachings? Way to go with that. That makes all the sense in the world! Experience is so personal, you know. One’s own experience has to be more important than the very old, Old Testament words of mine. That’s a zinger. Thanks.
And, about that very old, Old Testament: I should have never created that Old Testament ban against speaking your own words as My Words. Thanks for changing that.
Oh my, all those proscriptions against anyone saying their own thoughts as if they were My thoughts! How preposterous was that! Silly Me, to try to keep things My Way! I shouldn’t curse your false speakers like that (Deuteronomy 18:15-22, Ezekiel 13:8). My bad.
So I gotta say: Keep on speaking your own words in place of Mine. No problem. Have at it. I can get used to that! Will have to direct My Holy Holy Spirit to back-off, not get miffed with changes you are making for Us. I shouldn’t be saying “I’m against you….”
I can change. Watch me! Just give me a little more time, okay?
Thanks for that new revelation one of you had – saying it’s okay for a prophet to get it wrong. It’s okay to be wrong. Your deduction reasonings are a bit lite about this, so let’s work on that a bit more.
The grave sucking thing you went with was a real zinger. You guys! Very creative. (See: Search Results for: grave sucking… The Bethel Johnson’s Unbiblical Teachings and Old Sarge Comments on Charismatic practices). Way to go!
But why did you delete all reference to your “grave sucking” teachings from your website? And: Your creating of a fake interview session where you mocked ever having taught “grave sucking”!? Come on! They caught you in that lie. Had actual videos and pictures of Billie Johnson! Should have gone with the truth, guys.
Maybe I should add some active signs and wonders to the sucking experience – for your young inexperienced leaders. I could perhaps make it so that a mysterious mist rises up out of the grave when somebody sucks. THAT would be exciting! How macabre!
Oh yeah. Another thing. Maybe I should go ahead, like you have been teaching already — and change my official “Salvation” parameters – kind of lower the bar?
I really need to make it easier for sinners to get into Heaven. Polls are finding that only 6% of Christians have a biblical worldview! Gotta raise those stats.
Maybe I should officially rename Salvation as, “Loving your way to Heaven“.
Or maybe I should really shock the world with this zinger:
“God says,
‘It’s okay to be sinful,
my dear child‘
I understand you
…because I am so
extremely loving towards all of you“.
(Do you like how I added “my dear child” to address “sinners”? Nice touch, eh!? They’ll know now that my agape love is inclusive, unconditional all the way. That will make Universalists happy!)
I don’t really need folks to be so sincere and truthful. Kind of a high bar there. We can work at changing that.
I’m beginning to like this “change” thing that you guys ran with. Maybe I need to soften our “holiness” standards. Maybe instead of Jesus saves and Jesus condemns — I could inspire OMGjesus writers to write more along the spirit of: anything goes. Have them write:
Jesus saves and Jesus saves everyone.
The thing is, I just can’t figure-out how to keep the place Holy then. What would I call it – then? Maybe …The Not-so-Holy Kingdom? Well… maybe? (I’m just so unsure of Myself in these End Times. Don’t understand Myself anymore.) But, yes! I gotta get a better name for Heaven. Like you keep showing me: “Holy Kingdom” just ain’t hip anymore.
Come to think of it, maybe what was true before the NAR, that God never changes. Never has. Never will – should be revised to
God rarely changes. Ask the NAR-types. They know when He changes.
Got to go now, get some rest. You know what they say: “No rest for the wicked.”
Thanks, you guys😁. What would I do without you NAR-types?! At least YOU saw where My Word needed correcting. Can’t wait to hear your next words of my divine revelations. Coming up soon, I’m sure. (What will they be, I wonder? I’ll be taking notes.) What on earth will you change next?
Thanks 🙏 ya’all,
Almighty God
___________________
Signature
PIC: finger-of-God. Pixabay
FOR MORE:
This article is a satire about the way God might discuss theology with the NAR-types. (See Comment section by Nancy P)
This other article is not satire: God Speaking
________________
1 Corinthians 2:15-16
15 But the spiritual man [the spiritually mature Christian] judges all things [questions, examines and applies what the Holy Spirit reveals]….
16 For who has known the mind and purposes of the Lord, so as to instruct Him? But we have the mind of Christ [to be guided by His thoughts and purposes].
– Source: 1 Corinthians 2:15-16
Satire
“CS Lewis with “Screwtape Letters” would be proud of the satire.
How about: “I don’t want you to feel guilty, so let’s stop calling anything ‘sin”. And then when there is no guilt, there can’t be forgiveness. Just forget the step of repentance before forgiveness as that would look like accountability or responsibility and that would make someone sad. It’s ok to keep shaming and blaming each other as that can go on almost forever. It’s fun to watch my creation fighting.””
The Inclusive Yet Exclusive Salvation of Jesus
Jesus saves and Jesus condemns
Timeless Infinite Continuum *Read the section: “Time” – as it really is. A concept of time….
NOTES: (Webster definitions)
Timeless : not affected by time
Infinite: immeasurably or inconceivably great or extensive
Continuum: a range or series of things that are slightly different from each other and that exist between two different possibilities. – For more, see – Britannica.com: Encyclopedia article about continuum
Farther along we’ll understand why
Chronology of Mankind: 6,000 Years of History Pt 1 | By Randy Nettles; from RaptureReady.com
Calling-out false teachers “…the hypocrisy of liars”
Words of mere men are not God’s Words
When your prophet is wrong Excerpt:
‘They worship Me in vain [their worship is meaningless and worthless, a pretense], Teaching the precepts of men as doctrines [giving their traditions equal weight with the Scriptures].’ – Mark 7:7
False Prophets | by Diane S. Dew
Sorry, not sorry: Why the NAR prophets’ apologies for getting things wrong don’t cut it |by Holly Pivec Reporting on the Rise of ‘Reckless Christianity’: Responding biblically to the worldwide prophets and apostles movement taking over churches
The Bethel Johnson’s Unbiblical Teachings …like grave sucking
Old Sarge Comments on Charismatic practices …like grave sucking
Does God give new revelations or is the Bible enough?
“All Scripture
is breathed out by God
and profitable for teaching,
for reproof, for correction,
and for training in righteousness,
that the man of God
may be complete, equipped
for every good work.”
– 2 Timothy 3:16-17
They in fact have seen nothing
“By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error”
1 Timothy 4: verses 1-2 AMP
But the [Holy] Spirit explicitly and unmistakably declares that in later times some will turn away from the faith, paying attention instead to deceitful and seductive spirits and doctrines of demons, 2 [misled] by the hypocrisy of liars whose consciences are seared as with a branding iron [leaving them incapable of ethical functioning]….
Does God give new revelations or is the Bible enough?
Elevating the Word over experience
No new “revelations” in these End Times
The Great Water Down of Jesus’ Message to us all
The faith of anything goes…not really God’s message, this “anything goes“
Keeping sin AND getting God’s Holiness also
Sorry, not sorry: Why the NAR prophets’ apologies for getting things wrong don’t cut it |by Holly Pivec Reporting on the Rise of ‘Reckless Christianity’: Responding biblically to the worldwide prophets and apostles movement taking over churches
As if your mindset is protected by God
Why God is against me IF I claim my words are God’s Own
The controversy of God speaking to you directly
God spoke through prophets and Jesus – the greatest of all
The Gospel of Christ Is Unchanging
It is what it is: The Bible Is God’s Word To Us
10 Things You Should Know about the Reliability of the New Testament Writers | February 01, 2022.
God spoke through prophets and Jesus – the greatest of all
The Apostle Paul’s Criticisms 1 Thessalonians 5:21
In these days of a weirdly erratic, changing world, I find myself quite comfortable reading from the Bible. Nothing quite like perfection to give you a calm confidence, a calm, peaceful easy feeling.
– Source: Prophecies in the Bible: A perfect track record
The Mystery of the Gospel has been revealed
The Wonder of the Birth of God
The message of salvation spoken by Jesus to Paul
The One-off Offer Jesus makes to everyone
Entrance Granted Into The Eternal
The Kingdom of God is very exclusive, very luxurious, very special
The inclusive yet exclusive salvation of Jesus
Could it be true that today only 6% of “Christians” are truly born again?
About Evidences for Faith in Jesus
Jesus Only Always For All Times
God never changes. Never has. Never will.
CS Lewis with “Screwtape Letters” would be proud of the satire.
How about: “I don’t want you to feel guilty, so let’s stop calling anything ‘sin”. And then when there is no guilt, there can’t be forgiveness. Just forget the step of repentance before forgiveness as that would look like accountability or responsibility and that would make someone sad. It’s ok to keep shaming and blaming each other as that can go on almost forever. It’s fun to watch my creation fighting.”
Good comment, Nancy P. I like “forget the step of repentance before forgiveness as that would look like accountability or responsibility and that would make someone sad”.